Meh

Summer vacation for a few weeks now so schools are out, and I have no job until the 2nd semester starts. So I've been idle for quite some time, and that is never good. 3 days max is fine but ugh I just can't be left alone with my thoughts for this long. I am now antsy, and doubting everything. I feel lost again. I know I have a goal when I went here. I should just remind myself of that. I know it will take time. It's just ... I'm getting tired of the waiting, though I also know I should be outting in more effort in lots of things, especially with studying. *Sigh* At this point I just want lots of money to buy whatever I want, and to travel. But, alas, I am but a low-tier working class migrant with no security. UGH. 

Forgiveness 2/50

Who's the most understanding person you know?

My mom and not my mom lol

She's very accepting of whatever I do. It's been a while but it's still hard to try and make her understand the situations and things I'm going through when it's rough. But, still, she tries. I get angry at her, and she KNOWS right away when I'm mad at her. It hurts her, but she just waits for me to cool my head. She just accepts everuthing I do. I love her the most in the world. ❤️

Self-reflection 2/52

What's become more important to me recently than ever before?

First and foremost- life. Waking up alive, safe, (relatively) healthy every morning. 

My parents.

Connecting with friends, and some family members, I guess. Physical interaction, too. I miss it so much.

Peace of mind, which still remains out of grasp.

Forgiveness 1/50

Write out one mistake you've made recently and the lesson it taught you.

Very recent. Big mistake. I applied for another job, and told my current employer too late that I would need to quit one of the classes I'm teaching. I assumed they'd let me stay for the other class, or give me some other class. I assumed it was okay to thell them the truth that I was going to teach at another school. I assumed it would go well, like when I told my manager at my other part-time job. Lesson: never assume, and be more careful of cultural differences LOL and be more mindful of other people's timelines. Also, I was trying to be more honest now, but I guess lying would still work? LOL

Healing 3/50

What do you understand now about the healing process that you didn't before?

Uh...knowing what's wrong first so you can understand what you're trying to fix. Understanding what's wrong with you so you also understand how to deal with it.

Also, healing isn't instant. It takes time. There are times you think you're already okay, but some little thing triggers you, and it could all come crashing back. 

Self-love 1/50

Write one thing you appreciate about the body part you're most insecure about.

I do not like a lot of things from my body, I have always struggled with body issues because I was always fatter than most people my age (although it seems ageing has caught up with them now 🤣) so it's hard to pick one. Hmmm. Okay, maybe my legs.

I appreciate that my legs are still fully functioning. I get to go to different places because of it. I like walking, too, and it works well for that LOL They're not aesthetically pleasing, but they work fine. Thanks, logs. I mean, legs.

Self-reflection 1/52

Been feeling the urge to write again, so here I am.

Discovered the We're Not Really Strangers cards and got so interested, so I'll be using those as prompts for entries. Today, I drew from the Self-Reflection deck, and got the question:

When was the last time I enjoyed my own company? What was I doing?

Ever since I experienced travelling on my own, I found that I enjoyed it, but only for a few days 😂 I need human interaction after maybe 3 days. There hasn't been a problem in keeping myself company because, eventhough I'm mainly an extrovert, I also truly enjoy alone time. Doing nothing, or just reading webtoons, and I'm good. Walking while listening to music, getting lost in my (sometimes dangerous) thoughts are one of the things I like doing. Hmm to think of a specific example of a time I enjoyed my own company...probably a few weeks ago when I wasn't busy or stressed out, and I was wasting time reading webtoons.

BUT I also definitely to interact with other people. Virtual is okay, but I truly believe that I am best experienced in person 😅 There's a different energy that I get when I interact with people that I really like.

HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT IT?

Anyone who knows me know Japan is my happy place. I always dreamed one day I would live in Japan. I had been taking Japanese lessons on and off, when my schedule permits it, since 2005. I would come up with scenarios in my head that I would formally learn Japanese in Japan so I can be immersed in the language, then get a job when I reach JLPT N2 (at least). 

When I get stressed at work, my usual stress reliever is by looking for schools I can enroll in, and apartments I will have to move into. I had been doing it for years. At some point around 2015, I was about to celebrate 10 years at work, and I can get some retirement bonus, so I started seriously looking  into schools. The one I set my sights unto was Meikai University in Chiba. It was a 45-minute commute from my aunt, who I was going to initially live with, and the tuition wasn't as expensive as others. I thought, "this is it." I was excited at the prospect (school and I corresponded for a bit via email), but probably half-hearted at that time.

2016 rolled in, and I faced the biggest problem in my adult life so far - lots of shit happened and I learned our house was being foreclosed by the bank. Good thing there was a housing loan that was just launched by our Cooperative at work, and I was able to avail of that and the house was safe. It was a 10-year loan. It meant I would have to be stuck until I paid for everything. That was the start of my downfall, I guess I can call it that. The feeling of being stuck, when I was thinking I was already on my way out. I thought, why would God show me that  perfect school, show me that I had an opportunity, only to take it away?

2017 was bad. I believe that was the first time I really snapped. I didn't know I had anxiety when I did. I would fall asleep around 2 or 3 am, then I would wake up feeling panicked around 7 am. I almost lived in the office because I was afraid I'd forget to do something, or that my boss would call and I won't be able to answer a question he would ask. Anyway, as they say, anxiety and depression go hand in hand. During one of the times I was down, I was probably questioning God, and he clearly sent me a message, which suddenly just popped in my head - HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT IT? HOW HARD ARE YOU WILLING TO WORK FOR IT? In my mind, whenever I started thinking about the plan of studying in Japan, I am reminded of this question. How much do I really want it?

End of 2016 and summer of 2017 were my first and second times at Fukuoka. A friend who lives there had a school near her house, which of course, I have researched about. They were offering a special Japanese language course. With the proximity to her house, I made it my target. Friend also kindly offered her place where I can stay before I found a place of my own. Again, it seemed everything was perfect, except for the fact that I had 9 more years to pay for the loan. I never stopped daydreaming, though. I still continued looking for schools, and apartments lol

2018-2019 - despite being debt-ridden, I always had just enough extra to spend on going to Japan, where I can recharge and be happy (UGH but my idols were a mess and they made me cry lots, too!). I even had a chance to go on a business trip to Japan in 2018. Around summer of 2019, when I was in vacationing in Fukuoka, the stress of the project I was working on hit me so bad. I was working while on my first vacation of the year, which was only for a few days. It wasn't just the workload, it was...my boss was trying to change my personality; making me do things against my principles. I couldn't take it anymore. I had been saying since...maybe 2015? that I didn't want that kind of life anymore! But what can I do?? I had more than 5 years left to pay for the loan. I felt trapped, and that got me really depressed. I came home from that trip feeling super low, and have no care for life anymore. It was probably my lowest point, so far. I was broken (from years of anxiety, and some toxic friendships) and down. I saw no hope. How much do I want it? It doesn't matter. It's not happening. I was stuck, and will probably have to live like that for 10 more years, unless I die first.

But upon talking to some other friends, I realized, there was hope. I only needed money to get out of my situation. And there is an abundance of money in the world - you just have to find it. I finally made a resolve - I would raise money to pay for the remaining loan, and then I will get out of that hellhole. The moment I decided on this, committed on the idea, things started falling into place! It's like God just wanted you to show how much you really wanted it, and once He's satisfied with your answer, He will serve it to you on a silver platter (NO KIDDING!). If it's for you, and He wants it for you, you will get it IN HIS TIME. Not the timing you wanted, but the time He has planned it for you. I was prayerful (Catholic school from elementary to uni, duh) but never this ...religious? spiritual? before. Things started making sense. I just had to hit rock bottom before I realized what I needed to do.

We got to pay for the house earlier, and had some extra, too! As of this writing, I am currently on Day 3 of quarantine in Japan. Waiting to go out, and start classes. I'm living my dream now, which still feels surreal. I am scared of what the future might bring, but I'm just going to wing it, and try to trust God because I am now convinced He has plans for all of us. We just have to make sure HOW MUCH WE WANT IT.

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Glossary of how "things fell into place" lol:
- cousins just moved to a new place, and I found a school walking distance from theirs. I was qualified, and am now enrolled.
- got a TESOL certification, and applied for the JET program, but did not get it. I now realize it wasn't for me that time because I was meant to study, as I originally planned. But I can use the certificate now for a good-paying part time job!
- person who loaned money from mom paid a certain amount which we were able to use to pay off quite a bit from the loan. I also started an online petition and asked money from close friends and family so I can make up for the remaining, and I even made some extra from it, which I used for airfare and such.
- needed around 10,000php to pay for placement at school...I won that amount at a Christmas party the night before I needed to send payment!
- the amount of money I got is just enough to make me survive for a bit. I realized, I wouldn't have survived if I had done it 5 years ago.

These are the most significant and obvious, but there are some more things that really gave me goosebumps when I thought about them. I can't describe it any other ways except for miraculous how things happened so fast. I also say this all the time, but I can never say it enough, God did not send me money, my riches are in the people He sent me. The friends I surround myself with are my rocks(s). The support I get from them, in all forms, make me survive.