LIFE UPDATE

Since the last entry in 2011, it's safe to say that A LOT has happened. For one, I've gone to Japan for around 12 times since that time. 😅 Also, just waiting for JP government to let me in as a student. Oh, and I finally quit work.

The biggest and probably the most significant change from my 2011 self, aside from weight gain and employment status, is the struggle with some mental health issues. Stress was a given, especially in the kind of industry I was in. But at some point during summer of 2017, I knew something changed from within. I have had bouts of depression since, probably from when I was in high school, and some other issues as well, but I attributed those to fucked up hormones (since discovering I had polycystic ovaries around 2009? 2010? 2012?) and just tried to live with them.

But that time in 2017 was different - I knew it was not the usual melancholy, because there already were physical manifestations. My heart was racing all the time. I would be lethargic the whole day, despite feeling agitated,  but won't feel sleepy at night. I would get to sleep late, only to wake up a few hours later, long before my alarm was supposed to go off. Even during days I got more than 4 hours of sleep, I wouldn't feel rested upon waking up. The fatigue was so bad, I felt like getting sick all the time. My body was tired, but my heart was on overdrive. What's worse, as I was working on a project alone, and directly working with a capricious person, (it's tamest word I could probably use to describe this...person) just hearing his voice would make me panic. Even if it wasn't directed at me. Even hearing the letters that were the acronyms of the project I was working on made me feel nauseous. I never wanted to hear those letters. 

TL;DR - I was in a constant state of agitation and panic, and I knew this wasn't right for my heart, my blood pressure, my sanity. But I only realized that later in the year. 

Credit also goes to late 2016 when our house got auctioned off because my mom apparently wasn't paying for it, and I was the only one with a stable job in the family, and suddenly had to grow balls and do something about it. It was one heck of a problem, but the "project" and the "person" were the catalysts in finally making me snap.

 

A few bad experiences with said person (ex-friend) unnerved me, and I never had a reaction to other people, like how I did with that person. I was scared, and I finally decided I probably needed professional help. I searched the net for an affordable and accessible service, and found one near the office. I scheduled a consultation for July 31, 2019. I can't remember if that same day was my first consultation with a doctor (probably later), but I cried in the jeepney ride home. I was overwhelmed. I realized, OH HEY I DID HAVE A PROBLEM. But the two times I went (two different doctors saw me), they just gave me meds that would make me sleep for hours. And I didn't like that. I felt like it won't make my problems go away. So I found a friend, a psychologist, and even if we just met a few times, it opened my eyes to a lot of things, and made me understand myself a bit more, and where my problems are probably stemming from. Our first meeting, we talked for five hours. And in those five hours, I understood more about myself than I ever have in all 36 years of my life.

The challenge now is - letting go. Abandoning all the worries and burdens. Ever since the lockdown began, I have prematurely quite work (I should have left by the first week of April for Japan) and am stuck. Good thing about it is a good amount of stress has been cut off from my life. Ex-friend has also been cut off from life. But as I learned, healing does not happen instantaneously just because certain triggers are gone. I am surprised at how some small thing can trigger anxiety, or how it just suddenly happens without warning. I also had social anxiety at some point. An extrovert like me, who gains energy from interacting with other people, beginning to question everything I say or do, is just hell. Did I offend another person? Should I have said that? Should I have posted that? Always second guessing myself. UGH

Another challenge was getting people to understand. I had an almost fight with a really good friend about toxic positivity. I never quite knew how to deal or what to say to ex-friend who is going through worse things than I am. Now I know. Even just getting your family to understand what it's all about is such a struggle, especially since mental health problems isn't a concept our parents' generation is used to. Good thing I have a handful of people who truly understand. 

 

Presently, it's better, but there are times when I would almost be on the brink of a panic attack and I would fight it like hell. It's really a battle with yourself. You need to challenge all your irrational thoughts before it takes over your mind, and body. I'm going by without any medication, except for supplements. Going through this, at this particular critical time in the world, renewed my spirituality. Because, really, who else are you going to run to, or trust? I'm slowly rebuilding my trust in God - that He has my back; He has all our backs.

I just live for each day. Doing what I just feel like doing - mostly laze around lol Wake up each day feeling thankful for even waking up. For breathing freely; for having a sense of taste and smell. For the roof over my head. All the simple things we might have taken for granted. Every day is a struggle, but also a chance to enjoy life.

I can't wait what the next chapter of my life holds. I AM getting older, and I may need to work on some other aspects of my life. I need to try dating lol but until this pandemic ends, I just need to survive day to day.