HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT IT?

Anyone who knows me know Japan is my happy place. I always dreamed one day I would live in Japan. I had been taking Japanese lessons on and off, when my schedule permits it, since 2005. I would come up with scenarios in my head that I would formally learn Japanese in Japan so I can be immersed in the language, then get a job when I reach JLPT N2 (at least). 

When I get stressed at work, my usual stress reliever is by looking for schools I can enroll in, and apartments I will have to move into. I had been doing it for years. At some point around 2015, I was about to celebrate 10 years at work, and I can get some retirement bonus, so I started seriously looking  into schools. The one I set my sights unto was Meikai University in Chiba. It was a 45-minute commute from my aunt, who I was going to initially live with, and the tuition wasn't as expensive as others. I thought, "this is it." I was excited at the prospect (school and I corresponded for a bit via email), but probably half-hearted at that time.

2016 rolled in, and I faced the biggest problem in my adult life so far - lots of shit happened and I learned our house was being foreclosed by the bank. Good thing there was a housing loan that was just launched by our Cooperative at work, and I was able to avail of that and the house was safe. It was a 10-year loan. It meant I would have to be stuck until I paid for everything. That was the start of my downfall, I guess I can call it that. The feeling of being stuck, when I was thinking I was already on my way out. I thought, why would God show me that  perfect school, show me that I had an opportunity, only to take it away?

2017 was bad. I believe that was the first time I really snapped. I didn't know I had anxiety when I did. I would fall asleep around 2 or 3 am, then I would wake up feeling panicked around 7 am. I almost lived in the office because I was afraid I'd forget to do something, or that my boss would call and I won't be able to answer a question he would ask. Anyway, as they say, anxiety and depression go hand in hand. During one of the times I was down, I was probably questioning God, and he clearly sent me a message, which suddenly just popped in my head - HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT IT? HOW HARD ARE YOU WILLING TO WORK FOR IT? In my mind, whenever I started thinking about the plan of studying in Japan, I am reminded of this question. How much do I really want it?

End of 2016 and summer of 2017 were my first and second times at Fukuoka. A friend who lives there had a school near her house, which of course, I have researched about. They were offering a special Japanese language course. With the proximity to her house, I made it my target. Friend also kindly offered her place where I can stay before I found a place of my own. Again, it seemed everything was perfect, except for the fact that I had 9 more years to pay for the loan. I never stopped daydreaming, though. I still continued looking for schools, and apartments lol

2018-2019 - despite being debt-ridden, I always had just enough extra to spend on going to Japan, where I can recharge and be happy (UGH but my idols were a mess and they made me cry lots, too!). I even had a chance to go on a business trip to Japan in 2018. Around summer of 2019, when I was in vacationing in Fukuoka, the stress of the project I was working on hit me so bad. I was working while on my first vacation of the year, which was only for a few days. It wasn't just the workload, it was...my boss was trying to change my personality; making me do things against my principles. I couldn't take it anymore. I had been saying since...maybe 2015? that I didn't want that kind of life anymore! But what can I do?? I had more than 5 years left to pay for the loan. I felt trapped, and that got me really depressed. I came home from that trip feeling super low, and have no care for life anymore. It was probably my lowest point, so far. I was broken (from years of anxiety, and some toxic friendships) and down. I saw no hope. How much do I want it? It doesn't matter. It's not happening. I was stuck, and will probably have to live like that for 10 more years, unless I die first.

But upon talking to some other friends, I realized, there was hope. I only needed money to get out of my situation. And there is an abundance of money in the world - you just have to find it. I finally made a resolve - I would raise money to pay for the remaining loan, and then I will get out of that hellhole. The moment I decided on this, committed on the idea, things started falling into place! It's like God just wanted you to show how much you really wanted it, and once He's satisfied with your answer, He will serve it to you on a silver platter (NO KIDDING!). If it's for you, and He wants it for you, you will get it IN HIS TIME. Not the timing you wanted, but the time He has planned it for you. I was prayerful (Catholic school from elementary to uni, duh) but never this ...religious? spiritual? before. Things started making sense. I just had to hit rock bottom before I realized what I needed to do.

We got to pay for the house earlier, and had some extra, too! As of this writing, I am currently on Day 3 of quarantine in Japan. Waiting to go out, and start classes. I'm living my dream now, which still feels surreal. I am scared of what the future might bring, but I'm just going to wing it, and try to trust God because I am now convinced He has plans for all of us. We just have to make sure HOW MUCH WE WANT IT.

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Glossary of how "things fell into place" lol:
- cousins just moved to a new place, and I found a school walking distance from theirs. I was qualified, and am now enrolled.
- got a TESOL certification, and applied for the JET program, but did not get it. I now realize it wasn't for me that time because I was meant to study, as I originally planned. But I can use the certificate now for a good-paying part time job!
- person who loaned money from mom paid a certain amount which we were able to use to pay off quite a bit from the loan. I also started an online petition and asked money from close friends and family so I can make up for the remaining, and I even made some extra from it, which I used for airfare and such.
- needed around 10,000php to pay for placement at school...I won that amount at a Christmas party the night before I needed to send payment!
- the amount of money I got is just enough to make me survive for a bit. I realized, I wouldn't have survived if I had done it 5 years ago.

These are the most significant and obvious, but there are some more things that really gave me goosebumps when I thought about them. I can't describe it any other ways except for miraculous how things happened so fast. I also say this all the time, but I can never say it enough, God did not send me money, my riches are in the people He sent me. The friends I surround myself with are my rocks(s). The support I get from them, in all forms, make me survive.