birthday blues?

i guess this is what people call birthday blues. but i don't have it during birthdays. i usually have it all year round. and it just gets worse every year.

basically, i just feel like crap for not having done anything significant with my life. where was my passion to be of service to mankind? lately i've just become a doormat.
where are my dreams? of becoming a film director? of writing for television? of imparting something creative with the world? zipppppp nothing.
how much do i have in the bank?
what achievements can i be proud of come high school reunion, ten years after graduation?

it shouldn't be a big deal but somehow i think it is an issue that i still haven't had a boyfriend.
and i blame it on my fatness, ugliness, weirdness, and too independentness (LOL)
and probably my fear of commitment.

also, lately, i feel like i've been more the existentialist i'm afraid of becoming. like that poem that i'll never forget (but i already did), i'm like a wave endlessly crashing the shore. i am destroying those who are near me and i push them away.

what the fuck's wrong with me?

and more importantly, what should i do?